Five Mistakes Women Make While Loving Their Significant Other

Five Mistakes Women Make While Loving Their Significant Other

By Susan Orosco

I grew up with five brothers and thought for many years that I understood men better than most women. I thought this was true because my brothers would come to me with their girlfriend problems. They cried on my shoulders and confessed they didn’t know what women wanted. I made note of their pain and planned to never be that kind of girl. And then my dating life began, and suddenly I became that kind of girl.

What kind of girl is that? The kind that doesn’t believe a man has feelings unless I see them with my own eyes. With my brothers I was always on the other side of the dating game. Then I started dating and everything changed. I went from the loving sister to the female who couldn’t be understood.

The men I dated revealed only their strong side. Because of my brothers I should have known it was a front but I lost sight of that. The men I dated did not talk to me like my brothers did. They probably had their own sisters behind the scenes, but in front of me there was complete control. Like Spock, in Star Trek, their feelings and vulnerability were locked away and not to be revealed –lest they die in battle. At least that is what I thought I saw.

Later I learned it was me that didn’t understand. What I thought was a lack of emotion was a man trying to protect himself. The truth is they are far more vulnerable than we are. They just don’t like to talk about it, reveal it, or experience it. We on the other hand examine and experience our feelings quite often. That emotional world we weave in and out of during a typical day is a foreign world to them. They fear it. They don’t understand it. When we are emotionally upset they don’t feel safe around us. Herein lies the problem. They really need to feel safe with the person they have chosen to be their life partner.

 

The paradox of man began to make more sense to me when I learned to balance the brothers of my girlhood and the men of my womanhood. I realized although a man likes to pretend it is the size of a woman’s breasts or the shape of her legs that gets his attention, truth is what he remembers most is how a woman makes him feel. What he truly desires is a heart that can behold him, love him and accept him just as he is. That is the secret to keeping a man happy and at home. A lot a sex doesn’t hurt either.

I certainly don’t know everything there is to know about men, but I learned from observing other women that there are five mistakes we often make while loving our significant other. I listed the five mistakes below, according to my experience, along with their solutions.

Mistake #1You expect him to read your mind. Remember he is not Spock. He cannot work a mind melt. Nor do you want him to assume; assuming is never good. I know it sounds silly, but too many of us think, “If he really loved me he would know what to do.” The truth is he really loves you and doesn’t know what to do. To expect your man to know what goes on in your mind without explanation is impossible.

 Solution: Tell him. Give him something tangible to work with. Instead of assuming he will take the garbage out, and then feeling let down when he doesn’t, tell him. Men work really well with clear instruction. And if he still doesn’t take the garbage out, well, you have my permission to hit him over the head. That will usually get is attention.

Mistake #2You expect him to love you the way you understand love. He can’t do that. It is important that you get this. He simply cannot love you the way you understand it because that is how girls show love. Men on the other hand show love by doing things for you. I remember a woman once who was complaining that her husband did not love her because he was outside washing and detailing her car rather than inside talking to her.

 Solution: Learn his love language. See what he ‘does’ for you that you may be overlooking. For example: maybe he doesn’t bring you flowers on Fridays but he gives up his football game to watch Glee with you. Maybe he doesn’t remember to take out the garbage but he remembers to buy your favorite wine. Learn his love language and you may discover there is a whole lot of loving going on that you may not have seen before.

 Mistake #3You expect him to put your needs above his own. This is emotionally impossible. A man must tend to his needs just like we do. Men often define themselves as providers. For example if he takes you to a restaurant and during the evening you constantly complain about the service, the food and the atmosphere, he takes that personally. He cannot switch gears and see that your needs were not met by the restaurant, because in his mind he failed you.

Solution: Understand his need. Instead of expecting him to shift gears and support your needs, find a way to respect his and your own. Pick another day and time to call the restaurant and complain. Or if he begins to complain while at the restaurant, then join him. But if he is content, let it be. He will feel rewarded and probably take you out more often. Next time simply suggest a different restaurant.

Mistake #4You expect him to give you all his spare time. This is simply not fair. Men need space of their own. They need their friends, their sports, and sometimes they need their hobbies. Of course he has time carved out for you too and thoroughly understands he is in great demand. It is, therefore, best if you do not try to disturb his distribution of time. But instead have your own distribution of time.

 Solution: Get a life independent of him. Take a class in salsa dancing. Or take a class in criminology at the community college. Or do both. Find a way to entertain yourself. What will happen is you will become more self sufficient, confident and far more interesting. Remember the definition of charisma is to be self sufficient, confident and very interesting. Some call that sexy. I wonder how long it will take him to forget his hobbies, his friends and especially his sports.

Mistake #5You expect him to speak the language of emotion.  He does not understand this language very well. But he does have feelings. Too often we interpret his inability to speak the language as simply withholding expression and information. Trust me, he is not withholding, he just doesn’t get why he should reveal his feelings and make the conversation worse.

And what do we do when we think he is withholding? We get angry and sometimes we attack, accuse and often use guilt. Then he shuts down and cannot be reached at all at this point.

 

 Solution: A man can open up to you like a flower in the spring if you approach a subject from a place of love and safety but most important, logic. Do not expect him to participate in a conversation that is loaded with emotion. To reach him is to converse in a manner in which he feels at home.

Men love conversations that are based on logic. They especially enjoy facts, evidence and common sense. Yes, I am suggesting you learn more about his style of conversation and use less of our emotionally driven style. There is a lot to be said about being bilingual.

Understanding a man’s perception of the world can be very beneficial. I have learned it is a perfect balance of the male and the female, the yin and the yang and the strong and the soft. Who would you be if you could strike that balance? How much more of the world would you understand? How more attractive would you be in a man’s eyes? Remember, it is not so much the shape of your cheek bones or the size of your waist; it is how you make him feel that really counts. With that kind of power you’d have men in line waiting to spend time with you. Wow, wouldn’t that get your significant other talking.

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